Who is My Father?
This is a personal story meant to inspire others who may be searching for a biological family member. I am a firm believer in transparency. Whether the outcome is a positive or negative connection it is sometimes just “the knowing” that is comforting to those who wonder or cry silently. I have been fortunate in helping others find their biological connections. I just seem to have a knack for it and take on cases of friends and strangers as one way I can give back to this world. It is intertwined with my love for history.
I hope the nuances of my search may help others. It is also a story of Love and a tribute to my mother.
Who is my father is about my selfless and kind mother …
My mother longed to know who her biological father was but had no name and only one memory that could have been conjured up as a little girl’s wishful thinking.
As the eldest daughter of my kind and wonderful mother I promised myself as a child to do two things for her. One, get her a mink coat like the people in the movies and two, find her “real” father to replace the cruel and evil stepfather she had known.
The mink coat took a little time but my elementary aged promise was kept.The finding of her real father proved very difficult. Plus as I grew into adulthood I realized that finding out who was her biological father would not change her painful childhood.
Where do I start when there was only one memory my mother could share since no one living had an inkling of who her father could be? Is that memory real and was it one of her father? My Mom had recalled that as a child she peered through the staircase spindles at a man in uniform about the time of World War II. She thought she heard the name Jack Evans and thought he was her father. She never met him.
So, unbeknownst to my Mom, I began my search. I started combing through the census’. I researched every Jack Evans in Ohio, Massachusetts, Canada, Michigan and anyplace where he might have intersected with her mother Mildred Lamson. I compared where they lived and her mother’s place of residence along with the street car lines. I found a Jack Evans living near my grandmother in 1930. This one was the most promising. I studied him and followed his life to his tenure as Ohio State’s band director. He was listed as childless but perhaps a niece or nephew existed? As I gathered more information he didn’t seem a likely candidate. A musical success begetting a child who couldn’t carry a tune? Grandchildren that were asked at high school to mouth the words to a graduation song so it would not be ruined at Mass? The odds that it was that Jack Evans were high.
I continued charting all Jack Evans. I went to libraries, archives and wrote letters. I was thousands and thousands of hours into the search getting nowhere. Fast forward to the world of accessible DNA testing. In 2003 and onward I completed Y and MtDNA kits on family members and used the information as tools in my genealogical research. However, those kits were not meaningful for my mother’s dilemma because a female could only test for her female to female line. (MtDNA). Finally autosomal testing was available to the public. Although it doesn’t distinguish between maternal and paternal lines, a researcher can filter through conventional means and “in common” matches. I quickly had my mother tested with FTDNA, the leader in DNA testing. She had no close matches and everyone I investigated was on her English side. The wonderful research her cousin Shirley did on her mother’s side proved to be accurate including 7thcousin matching. Still, no paternal links but I was able to tell my Mom she was Irish!
My mother would ask a day, a week, and months later after taking the autosomal test ; “So did you find my father? Get a match?” “No, Mom.” As she was unaware that I worked countless hours trying to get a breakthrough on the FTDNA site.
Time moved on.
Several years ago I asked her to take another DNA test for Ancestry because they had a very large pool of people in their system that took the test. I explained they didn’t accept transfers like the other companies and she needed to do a saliva test this time instead of a cheek swab test. It was more difficult for her to get a vial of saliva as her health had deteriorated and filling a small tube took time. My father would have her periodically spit in it. I worried it wouldn’t be viable but it was accepted. In addition I transferred her FTDNA raw data to the GedMatch and Heritage sites.
Once again, no close matches.
Then in 2017 there was a close match (no tree listed) but the person wasn’t on Ancestry anymore as the checked in date was old. I messaged anyway several times hoping they would answer to an Ancestry prompt. . (Later I made contact with her wonderful mother!). All along I was noticing that some of my Mom’s 4-8thmatched cousins had a common surname of McDermott.
This is the key to finding unknown people:
I began to chart McDermott matches (almost as common as Smith in the US). As I charted those matches I conventionally researched them and created family groups that I put in an Excel spreadsheet. A pattern developed and I was mathematically able to determine that Thomas McDermott and Eliza Murray were her great grandparents from Gortnalamph, Ireland but I could only trace a few of their children. After 15 years, I had the history but no connection to the present.
As my mother lay dying her need to know diminished but I was frantically searching. It was my way of keeping a promise to a beautiful person. Finally, I resigned and said to my Mom on her deathbed. “ Mom, I am sorry I couldn’t find your father’s name in this world but you will meet him soon. Can you let me know from the beyond who your father is ?” She looked at me and simply said “Okay”. Her word was gold. I relaxed. From that point onward it was a relaxed approach. A curiosity but no urgency.
Two weeks from her death a match was made with a 2-3rdcousin. I discovered a James McDermott by developing the tree of a kind person who shared the grandparents names of her husband. They were from Cleveland, Ohio! He was Thomas McDermott's eldest son. Then a few days later a Karen C. matched my Mom as second cousins. She graciously gave me her phone number and we talked. In researching her tree I saw a Caveney surname which was meaningless to me. I worked that line last and one of the very last marriages I found was on a Find-a-Grave listing by a Sarah D. of a John Thomas Caveney and Elizabeth McDermott union. That was it! Elizabeth was Thomas and Eliza’s child; my mother’s grandmother. Next, I researched their children. John Caveney and Elizabeth McDermott had two girls (Collette and Elizabeth) and two boys.
The boys were James “Joseph” born 1910, whose age made him the likely candidate and John “Jack” born in 1915 whose given name made him the memory candidate.
Joe served in the military. Did he use his brother’s name? Did he know about my Mom but was a college graduate and wanted to escape the responsibility to a servant girl? Did her English ethnicity matter? On Joe’s marriage certificate in 1940 WV it said do not publish. Is this because he didn’t want the papers in Cleveland to know his whereabouts?
Is it Jack? Did Jack ‘s parents make him hide the truth because he was only 15 years old when my Mom was conceived?
So many now meaningless questions that amount to only curiosity on my part. Perhaps the simple explanation is neither knew about the pregnancy. However, it is interesting that my mother’s given name is was Elizabeth “Betty” just like her father’s mother and their youngest sister.
Through public information on the internet I have made contact with Joe and Jack’s sister Elizabeth’s children.They were so wonderful and kind to me! Just like my mother! If my Mom were still alive the first cousins would have enjoyed knowing each other. I am grateful for Elizabeth’s son Phil (and his wonderful wife Nancy) who kindly took the DNA test proving the relationship without a doubt and his sister Kathy who shared photographs of my grandfather(s).
Hopefully, in the near future, one of the descendants of Joe or Jack will take a DNA test at FTDNA (Ancestry’s algorithms can have issues with siblings). This would indicate from the number of centimorgans and the match relationship which boy was my Mom’s father.
Until then, I at least kept my promise to my mother and have the surname of her father: Caveney ….. after 86 years. -emp
UPDATE 9/9/20: Through 23 & Me matches I was able to find that my mother's father was more than likely to be "Joe" Caveney not Jack.
DNA of myself is a stronger match to Joe's grandson than Jack's two grandchildren. This would need to be confirmed by comparing to DNA with my mother at FTDNA, Ancestry or My Heritage. Hopefully, Joe's descendants would transfer their DNA to those sites as well and/or other descendants take a DNA test. -emp
My mother's page is Elizabeth "Betty" 1932 accessible by clicking on menu name below.